Questions

Well, some of you might already know all this but it's on my mind so I figured I'd blog.

Yesterday I (FINALLY) went to Vespers (I am a good friend, really, I promise)... Heather had prepared a slide show where we were to take a moment (11 minutes to be exact) and pray and reflect on these questions that appeared on the screen. There were 12 in total, I won't include all of them of course, but a few that really stood out to me...

"What has been a triumph?"

Wow, I've been married almost 4 months now... and while I'm not the best wife ever, I don't cook, I'm a terrible mess-maker, I feel that these 4 months have been a triumph of "growing up". I'm learning every day, and I feel blessed to have everything that I have.

"What has felt like a failure?"

Alright, so a little while back I felt God leading me in a different direction. I didn't feel "right" I suppose at CLA, for many reasons, but I definitely felt God leading me elsewhere. I struggled with this for a long time, I had just finished school and now this wasn't where I wanted to be? One word I kept feeling and repeating over and over: Failure. I'm beginning to recognize that this isn't so much a failure as it is a leap of faith so to speak. It's hard to follow where God's leading you, especially if you don't quite understand. And as Heather said, maybe one day I'll just be a really kickass mom.

"What has been a question?"

The last month or so has been a question... What does God want for us? What does God want us to do? I've been struggling with how to write this out (I've told some of you, but it's easier to tell you when I have my happy face on in public, and much harder to write when you're all by yourself in a basement.) Basically J has been discovering that his job and what he's trained for will entail primarily desk jobs. Anyone who knows J knows he's a much more active person than that. Being a permanent "Desk Jockey", as he calls it, would drive him insane. He found this apprenticeship program through BCIT working for Mack/Volvo as a heavy duty mechanic. Everything fell into place and as it turns out, he's been officially sponsored by the dealership in Kamloops. Which, inevitably means we're moving to Kamloops. I'm so torn up about it all, it's so hard and so confusing, but if it's where God wants us, I need to have peace about it. There's so much going through my mind, I'm so overwhelmed. So many more questions pop up all the time. How are we going to do this? With J at school, that means I'm the only source of income. When are we going to move? This could be as early as the summer, or as long as a year and a bit... I hate not knowing. I'm just scared, scared of leaving my family, friends, church.... I know it's not that far, but it's far enough to feel alone. But we'll get through. As I keep repeating to myself, we'll be ok. It's just taking a lot of adjustment, even if only mentally at the moment.

Anyways, sorry about the seriousness of the post, I just had a lot on my mind and find it helpful to get things off my chest sometimes. Now I'm off to wrap some presents in beautiful wrapping paper, and that will make me happy!